If I could have avoided embarrassment of appalled faces or the attention of airport security I would have fallen to my knees there in the Toronto airport and kissed Canadian “soil.” It’s hard to describe the elation I felt to be back home for good after two and half years in Taiwan. It had only been the last nine months that was so difficult for us, but it was a year of daily count downs, turning stomachs, hateful mind laser being directed at our bosses and missing everything about Canada.
“Never, never, never, EVER again are we coming back!” I exclaimed to Craig wanting to tell my boss how I really felt, but Craig in his infinite patience with me and trusted intuition calming replied. “Let’s not burn our bridges, you never know, we may come back someday.” “NEVER!” was my mature response.
It will be two years this Monday, January 2nd 2012 that we’ve been in Taiwan. After six years Taiwan was put back on the possibility plate because life had surprisingly turned us around and faced us in the direction of the East and we saw what we had vehemently turned out backs on for six years.
I’m a big planner, I love list, and schedules, routines, goals and direction, but I also do adore life’s surprises, nudges in better directions, flashes of insight and the exciting magic of the explained. Of course I’ve had my anxiety attacks of “what are we going to do?!” (I’ve had a couple these past two weeks) but typically once the fog of those anxieties are cleared the answer to that question is given, just as it was revealed with decision to move to Taiwan again.
I’ve found a lovely balance between steering my own ship and placing trust in uncontrolled winds. It’s only natural to feel fear when you don’t have a clear view of how things are going to work out, but then I let go of the helm, stop fighting the winds and consent to be directed.
It’s a wonderful feeling when you choose to let go of that turning black tar in your chest that you’re huddling in your struggling arms and trying to see through, trying to find the answer and command a solution. It’s hard to relent what you perceive as your power and control, to trust in something that is not being directed by your hands, but it is being received with your open mind and influenced by your faith. You choose whether to blind yourself with panic and anxiety or free yourself to the possibilities constantly floating around us waiting for us to see them and reach out to grab them.
This new year of 2012 I choose to be the best captain of my ship, but also to work with the waters and winds of the open sea. To steer to towards unknown destinations to explore and learn and to be guided to places I didn’t know I was meant to go. I will trust in myself and have faith in everything beyond me. I will learn life is a relationship between self and the unknown and the lesson is to embrace both and accept both unconditionally. In a healthy relationship one does not possess all the power, rather it is shared and you work together and have confidence in each other. 2012 is my year to find a satisfying balance between what I can do with my life and allow life without anxiety to display what it can do for me.
Happy 2012 family and friends, it’s going to be an amazing one.